Girl on the Third Floor

Girl on the Third Floor is the story of a house that wants to be the Overlook Hotel when it grows up, but this movie is to The Shining what CM Punk’s UFC stint is to his WWE career. A deeply troubled, heavily tattooed former attorney (yeah, right) named Don Koch (Punk) is seeking a fresh start. He buys a dilapidated old house in a Chicago suburb; a fixer-upper meant to provide him and his pregnant wife, Liz (Trieste Kelly Dunn), with a new home — before that, though, he moves in by himself to singlehandedly renovate the place, and learns from his new neighbors that the house has a sordid past. Soon, Don begins to experience supernatural events in the premises. One of those aforementioned neighbors is a bartender (or, judging from dialogue such as the following, a barfly) who asks Don “Are you a [expletive deleted]? … That house seems to be bad news for straight men”; as it turns out, it’s even worse luck for straightedged men. Don is of course identical to Punk, which means he has all the same tattoos, including a huge one on his abdomen that says Straight Edge. According to Wikipedia, “Straight edge … is a subculture of hardcore punk whose adherents [including Punk himself] refrain from using alcohol, tobacco, and other recreational drugs … For some, this extends to refraining from engaging in promiscuous sex, to following a vegetarian or vegan diet, and to not using caffeine or prescription drugs.” Neither director Travis Stevens, nor co-writers Paul Johnstone and Ben Parker, nor Punk himself thought of this simple question: why would a character who drinks alcohol, smokes marijuana, and commits adultery — all of which Don does — have a Straight Edge tattoo? That’s how stupid this movie is. As for the adultery, it turns out that poor Don is lonely and horny and has to resort to Five-Finger Mary (thankfully, his dog interrupts him; the last thing I want to see is Punk applying the Ananconda Vise on himself). However, another neighbor, Sarah (Sarah Brooks), starts flirting with him, and Don cheats on his wife with her. After they’ve had sexual congress, Don — to use wrestling lingo — cuts a promo on Sarah (“Look I’m not playing right now. It was a fun night, don’t get me wrong, but I never want to see you here in my house ever again”). Sarah responds by locking Don’s dog in the dryer and turning it on (at least she didn’t cook it and feed it to Don, like the Big Bossman did to Al Snow). Don attempts a truce, but as soon as Sarah turns her back, he attacks her with a hammer, apparently killing her; he hides the body in the basement. This is a clear symptom of what is wrong with this movie. It has no psychology, which in pro wrestling refers to the process of wrestling a match in such a way that the crowd becomes emotionally involved; this requires acting skills and a good understanding of dramatic tempo. For example, in a submission match, you don’t start applying locks from the very beginning; rather, you start working on a part of the opponent’s body, softening it up first. But in GotTF, Punk goes from zero to Patrick Bateman in five seconds flat. By the time Liz finally shows up in the flesh, the house is going full on Shining. Liz finds an old newspaper describing how the house used to be an illegal brothel and how a girl had disappeared and never been found. Sarah greets her in, claiming to be Don’s assistant. Liz goes to the attic and has a vision of the house’s past: wealthy clients who gather to watch a sadomasochistic show involving a masked man and Sarah. In the end, another neighbor, Ellie (Karen Woditsch), tries unsuccessfully to make some sense of everything we have witnessed by spouting some claptrap about “rules”. Lady, the rules are introduced at the beginning of the game, not at the end; otherwise what we have is anarchy. Additionally, Ellie tells Liz; “You did well”. Whatever she did, though — and I haven’t the foggiest what it was because the movie can’t be bothered to clarify it —, she did it wrong because the film ends with the obligatory shot suggesting that the evil will continue. Girl on the Third Floor is as bad as Punk’s UFC debut — if only it were as short —, and the not-so-subtle references to other, superior movies (Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser, Fatal Attraction and oddly, Ghost, or at least I assume that was the idea when they mention something about an “erotic pottery class”) don’t help either. All things considered, the loser of this bout is the audience.

Kamurai

Oct 23, 2020 · via TMDB

★ 4.0

Empty watch, probably won't watch again, and can't recommend. There just isn't a lot to care about. A lot of awful stuff happens, but they don't build the story correctly. He's a jerk and a half so we don't care what happens to him, and we get a whole dramatic reveal of explanation all at once in the 3rd act, but Sarah Brooks is the only thing that is interesting about the first 2/3 of the movie and that's at least half because she's playing "sexy little thing" with him and not for any paranormal reasons for which you might have actually tried to watch the movie. I agree that misdirection is a decent tool, but you don't do it for 45 minutes for a 5 minute reveal that didn't actually need 40 minutes of the 45 minute misdirection: that's a horrible magic act. There is a great, if weird, story here: just horrible execution to make it happen as a movie.

Gimly

Dec 28, 2019 · via TMDB

★ 6.0

Basically a body horror, but the house is an extra body. It was okay. I know it's a very "in" thing at the moment to not have a single likable character in your horror movie, which is the route that _Girl on the Third Floor_ takes, but I personally don't dig that. _Final rating:★★½ - Had a lot that appealed to me, didn’t quite work as a whole._

JPV852

Dec 28, 2019 · via TMDB

★ 5.0

Some interesting moments amongst a lot of the nonsense I dislike from these supernatural horror movies that seem to make up the rules as they go (as a way to gin up some "scares"). CM Punk isn't a very charismatic actor though funny does have some shades of Bruce Campbell (could pass off as his son, actually) but I did like Trieste Kelly Dunn and there some great gore effects, particularly in the third act, that almost makes this worthwhile. Almost. **2.5/5**